A Mixed up Tale
by Shadow of Silence
Summary: I call this Gibberish. I find it helps before an exam. What you do is you flush all the useless gunk out of your head by writing it all on paper. This makes room for the more important things. This story started as gibberish and now I find it quite funny
1. Prolouge

I don't own any of the characters in this story, I think... I'm pretty sure... I don't know. I'm not done yet, so how can I tell? Tolkien is the real owner of these 'slightly modified' characters. However, Tolkien is dead... *sniff*...he's my idol, well, one of my idols, I have, um... a lot!  
  
Prologue  
  
Frodo Faggins- A screwed up bobbit who is a chain pipe weed smoker.  
  
Biblo Faggins- A 111-year-old bobbit with disturbed disorders.  
  
Gandalf the Pink- An old man who can't take himself to part with his fuzzy  
  
pink bunny slippers.  
  
Happy- Stupidly happy (go figure) all the time!  
  
Dopey - Grows his own dope in his bobbit hole.  
  
IAMSAM- always eating green eggs and ham, and tries to talk the  
  
others into eating it too!  
  
Aragorn- To important to in this mixed up story.  
  
Boromir- keeps trying to commit suicide, but he has to die later in the movie,  
  
so everyone stops him.  
  
Gimme- A disgrace to nature...  
  
LegLess- an elf who wheels himself around in a wheel chair due to a  
  
run in with an orc. He's also the prince of Jerkwood.  
  
Saruman- another old man in blue bunny slippers and bathrobe.  
  
Elrond- A fashion designer.  
  
Galadriel- runs a clan of gothic Lothlorien elves.  
  
Prologue  
  
The world has changed. I feel in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell  
  
it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it,  
  
except Elrond. It began with the forging of the great Trinkets. Three were  
  
given to the Elves. Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings, which isn't  
  
really fair because they gave nine to the race of Men who quickly became  
  
possessed and died. Seven to the Dwarf lord's. Stupid, unsociable and  
  
bloated.  
  
And within these Trinkets was bound the will and power to govern each race,  
  
but they were all of them deceived for another Trinket was made. In the land  
  
of Less Door, in fires of Mount Zoom, the dark Lord Moron forged in secret a  
  
Master Trinket. Into this Trinket he tried to pour (but missed) his  
  
malice, cruelty and will to dominate all Beeps  
  


* * *

  
One Trinket to Tickle them all. One by one, the Beeps of Inthemiddle Earth (which is situated just above Lower Earth and just below Highest Earth) fell to the power of the Tickling Trinket. But there were some that weren't ticklish, and to the dismay of Moron, a last alliance of Elves and Men marched against the armies of Less Door.  
  
And on the slopes of Mount Zoom they fought for the freedom of Inthemiddle  
  
Earth. VICTORY was near, but the power of the tickling Trinket could not be  
  
undone. (Moron appears and wreaks havoc)  
  
It was in this moment, when all hope was seriously overcast, that Isasealdoor,  
  
son of the Walrus King, took up his father's tusks. He whacked Moron with the  
  
freaky tusk things and, don't ask us how, but due to some seriously messed up work  
  
here, all his fingers came off and he was destroyed for two and a half  
  
thousand years.  
  
Isasealdoor took the Tickling Trinket, wrapped it in duck tape (for your info  
  
there were no 'ducts' back then,) and kept it. Blaa, Blaa, Blaa. He eventually  
  
dies, no one cares, and Gollum's long lost brother, Curious George, got the Trinket. He went into the Foggy Mountains, and for 500 years it poisoned his already messed up Monkey Mind. Then one day, it ran away, and Biblo Faggins took it, kept it, and that's where the prologue ends. 


	2. The shire

Chapter 1:The Shire  
  
Frodo the smoking his 111 pipe for that day under his favourite tree. Which  
  
is ironic because that's the number of candles on the cake for Biblo. 'That  
  
cloud looks like him now!' He thought, seriously high. The party was all set.  
  
Half the Shire had been invited, but he expected the whole would show up  
  
anyway. They had hired Cirque du Lune performers (A whole bunch of  
  
ex-acrobats who were drunk form their own moonshine) it was going to be a  
  
night to remember. Frodo took a puff as he heard voices from around the  
  
corner.  
  
"Gandalf!" he shouted, got up and fell down the hill. He landed on top of  
  
Gandalf who in this version was in a cart that was being pulled by three  
  
hundred grasshoppers and one groundhog. (It was a good thing that Gandalf was  
  
so old and light so that the groundhog could pull him because it was doing  
  
all the work, seeing that as soon as the grasshoppers jumped the rope around  
  
the necks would either come right off, or strangle and kill them.)  
  
"Oh no! Fred did that mean old Bobbit hurt you? Are you alright Eugene?'  
  
Gandalf said to his slippers  
  
"Gandalf! It's me! Frodo! Frodo Faggins"  
  
"Frodo, Frodo, do we know a Frodo?" Gandalf asked his slippers "No? I thought  
  
so"  
  
"I'm Biblo nephew!" Frodo said  
  
"Nope! Eugene and Fred don't know you so neither do I" Gandalf replied, a  
  
hint of annoyance in his voice.  
  
Their conversation/argument grew so heated that some of illegal fireworks in  
  
the back of cart, went off, and leaving some Bobbit children to hop up and  
  
down madly, trying to dodge them.  
  
"Stupid Bobbit!" Gandalf yelled and pushes him off cart. Frodo fell, and by  
  
some miracle, or maybe just because we need him in the rest of the story, he  
  
survived the very long fall and left because he was really mad, or maybe just  
  
'cause his pipe had just run out.  
  
Gandalf arrived at Biblo's bobbithole and walked up the front step to the  
  
door. He knocked. Biblo opened the door; Gandalf got down and crawled in  
  
throwing his back out in the process, while Boromir ran by with a lit stick  
  
of dynamite screaming 'Bloody Murder!!' .A splash of water is heard off  
  
screen followed by a swear word I will not utter on this page.  
  
Party....  
  
Frodo joined the other Bobbits in a queer duck-like dance, that he thought  
  
was just normal, but we, and now you, know that Dopey put dope in the ale and  
  
cider kegs. The camera turns.... somewhere else and Happy tries to bite  
  
into an apple, but can't. Have you ever tried to bite an apple when you're  
  
smiling insanely? If not try it now.  
  
"It has to be in the ground!" yelled Dopey pushing it to Happy. Happy didn't  
  
say anything and passed it back. Thus began a game of 'hot firework' I'm not  
  
sure where it was, but it blows up and bursts in the sky. A dragon pops out o  
  
and swoops low over the Bobbits, gobbling two or three as it flies past. It  
  
keeps going and explodes; sending the Bobbits it ate into the BrandyWine  
  
bridge (which actually exists somewhere) and more or less drowning them.  
  
"That was great!" exclaims Dopey  
  
*Happy just grins stupidly* meaning let's go get another one. (Now as most of  
  
you know, at this point Gandalf's is supposed to grab them by theirs ears and  
  
haul them off to wash dishes. But Gandalf was suffering from a bit on  
  
amnesia, remember the bunny slippers, and so he didn't show up. So our  
  
friends dragon escapades continued the whole night) .At about midnight, all  
  
Bobbits called for a speech Biblo shyly approaches the podium with his hand  
  
outstretched as if it was a living animal. And as Bobbits started to cheer  
  
and whistle loudly, Biblo's eyes widen with terror and he quickly slips on  
  
the Trinket. Which I forgot to mention has the ability to turn you invisible  
  
which is really messed up because Moron was always 100% visible when he had  
  
it on, I guess it was armour, it was probably, invis- resiant or something. I  
  
should get one for Frodo, I wonder if it comes in his size.....  
  
I will leave my friend to her mindless babble and continue the story.  
  
Biblo is 'seen' returning to his Bobbit hole and slips off the Trinket.  
  
Gandalf (who's amnesia had died down a bit) was there.  
  
"I suppose you think that was funny!" Gandalf bellowed as Biblo entered his  
  
BobbitHole. This startled Biblo to his death and so he died. As he topples  
  
over, the Trinket tips out of his hand and with unnecessary slowness, falls  
  
to the ground with a THUD. Biblo falls on top of it fives seconds later.  
  
Gandalf tosses him into the fire (Poor Biblo. He, He, He!!!)  
  
Later that night Frodo returned, picked up ring and found Gandalf sitting sin  
  
front of the fire, praying.  
  
"He gone hasn't he" Frodo asked  
  
  
  
"Uh you could say that but anyway, he left you Gag End. Along with his  
  
Trinket. He holds out an envelope and Frodo puts it in without question.  
  
Suddenly, Gandalf amnesia flared, (probably from to much pipe weed and fire  
  
smoke.)  
  
"I must go!!!!" he yelled  
  
"But you've only just arrived" Frodo complained  
  
"No, I haven't" Then his amnesia left him for a spilt for a second and he  
  
uttered six words" Keep it secret, Keep it safe!" Frodo who suddenly  
  
remembered that Gandalf suffered from amnesia because he had been exposed to  
  
WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY to many whining dwarves in his adventure with Biblo, (who  
  
also get got his illness from that experience.) Took that for more babble.  
  
And put Trinket on the mantle.  
  
Author's Note: For all you people who have seen the movie AND read the book  
  
then you know that Gandalf takes FIVE minutes in the movie to go and come  
  
back, and in the book he takes freaking 19 years! Sheesh, not even Shadow Fax  
  
can run that fast! (How can Shadow's fax?)  
  
So five minutes later Frodo was seen in Gag End. He had just found the  
  
'Thing' dressed all in black.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed. "A Black Rider!!!!!" (Don't ask  
  
me how he knew what a black rider was at this point.) The 'Thing' slowly  
  
turns around revealing .............Galadriel.  
  
"Sorry Frodo" She said, " I just had to secure Boromir's bungee cord  
  
somewhere!" Frodo looked. A Black cord had tied to the mantelpiece and ran  
  
the length of the room, out the window, and probably half the Shire. The  
  
slack rope began to move and all of a sudden went taut. The same swear word  
  
as last time followed.  
  
Boromir appeared in window, all tangled in the cord. "Galadriel what's up  
  
with the Gothic Elf Wear?" he asked pointing to her black eye makeup and  
  
clothes.  
  
Without bothering to let her answer he heaved something heavy standing beside  
  
him. "Look what I found," he said smiling gleefully pointing to a boy beside  
  
him." It's IAMSAM!" Frodo smiled devilishly.  
  
"Should we get into the Rosie incident, now or later?", "Later" IAMSAM  
  
replied gulping. "By the way does anyone want Green Eggs and Ham? I 'm  
  
hungry!!" he continued looking at Frodo. Frodo ignored him and frowned. He  
  
looked up at Galadriel " Why are you here?" He asked curiously. Before she  
  
could answer. Boromir came swinging in on a Tarzan rope he found outside.  
  
(Ahhhhhhhh!)  
  
Knocking everyone down inside. Galadriel stood up wiping dust off her  
  
clothes. " I'm here, because of this idiot," she said kneeing Boromir in the  
  
head. "And because I need to send that stupid Trinket to LessDoor. She  
  
shoved Frodo and the 'Thing' out the door hitting her head on the way there  
  
(s**t!) "Go drop off the 'Trinket' at LessDoor and be home by breakfast," she  
  
continued.  
  
Frodo looked at IAMSAM " Mr.Faggins would you like some Green Eggs and Ham?  
  
I'm still hungry!!" Frodo giggled and without answering he took IAMSAM hand.  
  
The two skipped down the road singing away!! 


	3. Bree cheese

Chapter 2-Bree Cheese  
  
Frodo and Sam have just been spotted at a Mc.Bobbits stand at the side  
  
of the freeway. Frodo is enjoying a nice small Bobbi burger and unfortunately  
  
IAMSAM couldn't convince the chef to make any green eggs and ham, so he sadly  
  
sits at the table drinking water. Suddenly, five and a half dudes in black  
  
robes enter the restaurant. Using a screechy language that Frodo and IAMSAM  
  
took for Greek, they ordered five and a half Mc.blackrider burgers and the  
  
whole lunch went downhill from there! They sat in the booth and a half beside  
  
Frodo and IAMSAM who, trying not to be rude only half listened to their  
  
conversation.  
  
"We gotta find da halflin' with da Trinket! Or da boss 'e ain't gonna be  
  
'appy!"  
  
"Yah, I mean look a' what 'e did to poor 'BlackriderwhodoesSauronscomand#7'!"  
  
"You're telling me! I say we head-"  
  
"Hey! We were listening to that!"  
  
"Stupid Bobbit! I'm writing this story and you said you were only going to  
  
listen to half the conversation!!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Okay fine!!!"  
  
"-South and see if the Bobbits are down there!"  
  
"Thank You"  
  
The Bobbits paid their Bill (the pony) and headed out the door. They were  
  
suddenly run over by Happy and Dopey in a motorcycle. They stopped backed up  
  
and hauled Frodo and IAMSAM in.  
  
"What are you doing!!???"  
  
"Be careful that you don't sit on the carrots.," said Dopey. And Happy smiled  
  
stupidly as if to say 'what we've been doing is none of your business'.  
  
"You've been in to Farmer Pupa's crop!" said Frodo accusingly  
  
"So what if we have??????????????? He's clearly overreacting!! It 's only a  
  
few carrots and some cabbages and the mushrooms last week and Green Eggs and  
  
Ham the week before that!"  
  
"Green Eggs and Ham!"IAMSAM shouted  
  
"Shut up YOUARESAM! Your not eating anything you bloated piece of s**t!"  
  
They rented ponies at Pony World and trekked across the country. The  
  
expedition across the country was uneventful except for the funny yet  
  
simultaneously stupid run in with Killer Munchkins during which the ponies  
  
were all killed and the 'Freaky Foursome' was left to run for their lives, in  
  
the forest of Oz.  
  
They also ended up bumping into Kermit the Frog who was pruning his  
  
rosebushes outside of his Gingerbread House. They arrived at Bree only to  
  
find that a tornado had passed through dumping a house on the wicked witch of  
  
the southeast. (The gingerbread house is now up for auction if ya want it!)  
  
They entered the Inn of the Stomping Hippopotamus and all got drunk. They met.  
  
wait a minute, Aragorn isn't in this, so they met MiniMe!  
  
Of course MiniMe doesn't talk so when they asked him questions, the same  
  
followed. "Ee, Eee, Eee!!!" They eventually gave up on him and provided  
  
MiniMe with a box of chocolate to shut him up. Soon The 'Freaky Fivesome'  
  
headed off with a map courtesy of a dwarf dressed as a nun ('The hills are  
  
alive with the sound of music!') and MiniMe who kept pointing in the  
  
direction they were to go and screaming Eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! (They had to tape  
  
his mouth with duck tape and by the way there were no Ducts back then!!)  
  
After days of travelling they ended up at WeatherTop where they rested for  
  
the night. MiniMe provided them with mini umbrella drink toppers (Thank You,  
  
Stomping Hippo Inn!) Frodo fell asleep quickly and the other three talked.  
  
They sent MiniMe for firewood. Early morning Five BlackRiders appeared (No  
  
thanks to MiniMe who attracted them with all of his muffled swearing and  
  
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's!!!!!!!) The riders silently climbed up to the top of the  
  
tower where Frodo and the others were supposedly sleeping.  
  
And with no warning whatsoever Frodo, IAMSAM, Happy and Dopey jumped prepared  
  
to fight. Well, at least three of them were. IAMSAM had another plan. He  
  
jumped behind one of the Wraiths (insert scary music), tapped it on the  
  
shoulder and screamed. "Do you have any Green Eggs and Ham?!" Well, that  
  
didn't go over to well with the Wraith and as you can guess they started to  
  
fight. The Bobbits obviously didn't win and Frodo got stabbed, and now our  
  
story continues.  
  
Each Bobbit took turns carry Frodo, who had started to go green and gasped  
  
for breath. They finally ended up in Rivendell days later and the elves took  
  
care of Frodo right away. He lived, though the story would have been a lot  
  
shorter if he had died. Anyways, he rested for a few days and he gathered all  
  
of his strength to attend: The Council of the Fashion Designer. 


	4. The Council

Chapter 3, The Council of the Fashion Designer  
  
Rivendell....  
  
"As you all know I have summoned you to a secret council on very important  
  
business" asked Elrond  
  
"Bring forth the Trinket Frodo" Gandalf (who had gotten amnesia medicine form  
  
the elves) said  
  
"Trinket? Who cares about the dumb old Trinket? Go bring it to stupid old  
  
Less Door and give it back for all I care! I'm here to ask you, all the  
  
races, which style you like better." He pulled on a pair of jeans, "These are  
  
called Jeans!"  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"And these are T-Shirts!" he continued "One day L-." "Gentleman and Gentlemen  
  
these fashions will rock the world! Now if you could all line up I will size  
  
you and give you a free consultation."  
  
"Elrond do not take me for a conqueror of cheap tricks! (The fireworks cost a  
  
pretty penny, but, besides that!) The Trinket must be destroyed!" Gandalf yell  
  
ed  
  
"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimme boomed, grabbing his axe and smashing  
  
the Trinket into a million pieces (Moron screams in pain)  
  
Stupid dwarf, you just wreaked the whole movie!!!!  
  
Later when the Trinket had been put back together with Superglue, the Council  
  
resumed:  
  
"We must send the Trinket to LessDoor!" (The Council starts to fight)  
  
"I'll be dead before I see the Trinket in the hands of an Elf!!" Gimme states  
  
matter-of-factly.  
  
"That can be arranged!!!!!" LegLess shouts. Wheels over to the  
  
podium/table/why-do-I-even-bother-thing and slips on the Trinket. "Ha! Ha!  
  
You can't see me!!! He wheels away and falls down the stairs. He dies and the  
  
Trinket goes flying off his hand.  
  
"This is just great!" Gandalf sighs, "Now we've lost Aragorn and LegLess!!"  
  
"O.K someone find me a gut who knows the wilderness and a guy who can shoot  
  
arrows. (A boy scout and the Junior Archery Championship Winner are brought  
  
on to the set. "Good. Now where were we? Ah yes! Argue Time!!!!"  
  
Argue!  
  
Argue!  
  
Argue!  
  
Argue!  
  
Argue!  
  
Frodo sees the Trinket catch on fire and yells " I will send the  
  
Trinket!!!!!!!!!!! Though I do not know the address."  
  
"Don't worry my boy!" Gandalf mumbles, "I do!"  
  
(Boromir is seen pulling his sword which he really isn't supposed to have, no  
  
one cares, Boromir lunges with it and the Styrofoam snaps.)  
  
He decides to join the Fellowship because everyone with everyone so busy with  
  
that little Trinket, he could have more suicidal attempts. Everyone then sets  
  
off (after addressing and sealing the envelope of course) to the only mailbox  
  
InthemiddleEarth, which is located in the centre of Mount Zoom which is  
  
really stupid because that is where they want to send the Trinket in the  
  
first place! They stroll off into the sunset and are not seen for a very long  
  
time!! 


	5. Journey to They Aren't Really Sure

Chapter 5: Journey to They Aren't Really Sure  
  
Two seconds later, we see all the company sitting on a large rock in the middle of nowhere. Dopey and happy are high and are trying to kill Boromir who is actually trying to stop them because supposedly a 'suicide' in Inthemiddleearth is when you do yourself bodily harm. Stupid git. Everyone else is roasting marshmallows around a camp fire built by the boy scout which had been made just a certain way with just a certain wood in just a certain position and just the certain kindling covered in just a certain lighter fluid and... well you get the point. Boy scouts bother me. Gandalf was actually roasting minime because the marshmallows were just to high in cholesterol for such an old man. (??????????) The archer was relating the story of his just defeat of his arch-nemisis and yada yada yada.  
  
KAAAAA KAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-....................  
  
'Stupid archer dude!!' Yelled Gandalf licking grease from his fingers. (I guess fat isn't a problem like cholesterol is!) 'You just shot a crebana banana bird!!!!!!!!' (how far can a crabana banana bird fly with a coconut tied to it's legs?) "Why is that a problem?" asked the archer dude who still remains anonymous. "They-" Just then gandalf was hit with an amnesia attack strong enough to stun a T-rex and fell off the rock which knocked him out for another 24 hours so the rest of the party never learned that the crebana banana birds were spies of Saruman and now he knew where they were so he could try to kill them whenever he wanted.  
  
24 hours later,  
  
Gandalf touched the gigantic lump on his head and winced. He had been awakened to freezing cold and snow and hail and rain and pneumonia, and hypothermia all being relentlessly hurled at his ancient, no, super ancient body, so he had managed to kill everyone out of rage and now sat examining his surroundings. It turned out that his aching joints were partially due to the fact that he was tied to an extra large piece of bark that was being pulled by 10 wargs disguised as penguins who were also spies of saruman. Everyone else was lying face down in the snow. What snow? Oh ya I forgot to mention that after a heated argument about where to go, the fellowboat of the trinket had decided it best to face the outerwordly cold of 'The Pass.'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You dare laugh at 'The Pass.'?????????? Where many a brave adventurer hath , well adventured??????? Anyway.... Gandalf stuggled, but try as he may, he couldn't get out of the ropes so he decided that death could wait for his friends if the only other option for him was freezing/ starving/ heck just dying so he revived everyone with his ring of power, not The One Ring, but heck still a ring of power so who really cares? (Which nobody knows he has) (Really I'm serious! He does have one in the book!!) Soooo, every stumbles awake zombie style but gets better due to the boyscouts amazing skill with a second aid kit. Gandlf also revives a warg ( with a pink bow) to match his slippers. No, don't worry the warg put aside his devilish past and became a first class seeing eye warg. (Applaus! Applaus!) Everyone continued to walk up the mountain. Fun! They were passed quite a few times by Swedish skiers, and got really cheesed because They were moving all of 1 mile a day. The boy scout and the archer began talking really loud and causing avalanches which really annoyed everyone else. Later on the hike/ walk/ climb/ again why do I even bother, the archer and the boyscout fell off the mountain. Poor guys. Hey wait a minute!.................... I suspect fowl play! Yes FOWL play!( now isn't that a witty use of the screwed up English language?! Stupid homophones making life harder for us already hard-worked people!!!!) Yes they were attacked by crebana banana birds with coconuts tied to their legs which they swung around whacking people with! *Gasp* Evil. Gandalf revived legless (with legs so I guess we can't call him legless anymore) he revived Legolas who shot all of the birds with his awesome elf aim and the fellowboat enjoyed a good meal of roasted crabana banana birds and coconut milk. Everything had to be died green before IAMSAM even thought about eating, and Legolas woudn't eat it because it was serverd on a leaf (I'm the bloody Prince of freakin' Jerkwood and you serve me my dinner on a LEAF??????!!!!!!! (They had to explain the concept of lemonbas before he even thought of eating either. (If the Queen of Lothlorien eats of a leaf it'll probably be good enough for me.)  
  
One concept all you smart people should be considering is 'Where did they get leaves? They are at the top of a mountain! Snow! Too cold for vegetation other than lichen! Jeeze these authors are stupid!'  
  
Well for your information, Ahem: 'WE ARE NOT STUPID! Thankyou' The leaves are Frodo's. (Do you think a chain pipeweed smoker would go anywhere with an entire pack of pipe weed? A WEED!!!!!! Like a plant! With leaves  
  


* * *

  
There now that that is all cleaned up, we'll get back on topic.  
  
The Fellowboat continued up the trecherous slopes. Keeping an eye out for Boromir's suicide attempts. (Have you ever thought of how many chances a guy like him has on a mountain like that? So as you can imagine they got a little feed up. So fed up in fact that they paged Galadriel who came with a gang of here gothic friends in black lab coats and coaxed Boromir into one of those pretty jackets, the 'staight' ones. Then they put him on one of those anti-gravitational trolleys from Star Wars (you know the ones that just sort of, well... float!) Elf magic. Ask them not me!) Suddenly Legolas called a halt and got killed and brought back by Gandalf (Again) 'I give the Orders here elf!!!!' he shouted in Legolas' ear. Legolas pouted the rest of that day. The next morning in the middle of a massive blizzard (you know the one's you can buy at Dairy Queen! (a-dude! A-dude!) This one was, ummmm..... yes? Oh thankyou Gimme. It was Smarties. One of the extra thick ones, so visibility was poor, and moving was almost impossible.  
  
'There is a fell voice on the air!' Cried out Legolas 'It's Saruman!!!!!!!!!' yelled Gandalf looking to his wrist for a non- existent wristwatch. 'He should be having his shower about now.' He explained to the clueless looks everyone was giving him.  
  
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now, in the movie, Saruman tries to dump a mountain on them, but here he thought 'heck! Why waste perfectly good icecream?' So he went along with his daily routine of his shower and manicure, pedicure, you know, the whole work with orcs in maid outfits, high-heeled shoes, curly wigs and bonnets. This was a form of torture for the orcs. You know, to raise disipline. Oh, and the torture wasn't the outfits, it was the fact that the orcs couldn't stand Saruman's singing! And coincidentally, neither could the fellowboat so they headed to the door that would bring them inside the mountain that would hopefully deaden or at least dull the sound of Saruman's voice. (picture a cat in a trash can getting run over by an eighteen wheeler in need of a muffler job. Ya. He's that bad!)  
  
So thus begins 'The Quest for The Holy Balrog!!!!!!' (On to Morilot!) 


	6. The Quest for the Holy Balrog

Chapter 6: The Quest For The Holy Balrog!  
  
The Fellowboat, now consisting of Frodo, IAMSAM, Dopey, Merry, Gandalf the Pink, Boromir (on a trolley being pushed by Galadriel), Gimme and Legolas, made for the door in good time. Gandalf saw Frodo's lips moving and took out his earplugs (They had gotten them at Sauron's Convinience Store. A cute little shop in the shape of an eye at the side of the road. Gandalf had found them outlandishly expensive, but worth the peace and quiet from Saruman's singing.) 'I'm sorry.' Gandalf said 'Please repeat that.' 'I said,' said a very annoyed Frodo, 'that-' 'No time for that now.' Replied Gandalf, wincing as Saruman hit a perticularly off key note. 'It can wait.' Gandalf replaced his ear plugs. Frodo sulked and began to shoot nasty looks at Gandalf's back in between puffs of his pipe.  
  
Back in Isenkart (home of the best Go-Kart track in all of Inthemiddle Earth) Saruman had just finished his shower and had just sat down with a double decaf latte with mocha sprinkles in one hand, and a Wizard Weekly magazine, (imported from Hogwarts) in the other. 'Time for my manicure' he thought.  
  
Due to something known as ESP (AKA: Extra Stinky Person) Gandalf knew the second Saruman stopped singing and motioned for everyone to take out their earplugs. 'We're almost there!' Merry exclaimed pointing to a neon sign that was flashing the words 'Morilot: home of King Ballin'-his-eyes-out and the dwarves of the semi-round table.'  
  
Everyone keeps walking, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, (I guess those stupid dwarves thought that the sign didn't have to be situated anywhere close to the actual spot. GRRRRR! They don't deserve to be thought of as an intelligent species) (which they aren't) (hehehe)  
  
So eventually, (after quite a few detours, what is it with men and asking directions? Jeeze! They need a woman in the Fellowboat!) SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.................. There it was. The door. In the middle of nowhere surounded by rocks on one side, water on one side, rocks on another side, and stinky, dirty filthy water full of mutated sea bass (That are angry) on the last side. Gandalf called hello, and approached the door and started reading the elvish inscription over the top (don't dwarves live here? If so why does Frodo need the Elvish word for friend? Why not dwarfish? Oh well we'll never know. Tolkien is dead. *sniffle*). It read 'please hang up, and try your call again. Gandalf, having no Idea what this ment at all, hung himself from the ankles and called hello again. It didn't work. Suddenly (from all the blood rushing to his head) Gandalf had another amnesia attack and ran off screaming about getting a new pair of bifocals. Now that takes the brains (however demented) from the Fellowboat, so everyone sat doing nothing until Happy and Dopey started chuking rocks at the mutated octopus in the lake and Rich Uncle Pennybags ( the Monopoly guy) popped out of the water and sent everyone to the restrooms. They got pissed off. Get it Rest rooms? Pissed? HA ha ha ha ha ha ......... ahem sorry. Gimme caused a revelation when he started complaining. 'I'm hungry! Give me a melon!' Miraculously the doors opened up and Gandalf popped out with a LARGE pair of glasses that made his eyes look about as large as the melon that Gimme gulped down in record time. Uncle pennybags starts throwing monopoly houses at them and drags Frodo away so Legolas has to shoot him. Darn. There goes a long-loved board-game idol. Inside the dark cave they're all happy, Legolas pulls an arrow out of a dwarf corps and gives us his famous line 'GOOBLINS!' Yes gooblins, only they turn out to be orcs. ???????????? I really don't want to know where this story is going. Boromir got really happy and sat down and began to play tic-tac-to in the dust. I guess all the havoc was like a breath of fresh air for the maniac!The fellowboat faced many a challenge on 'the long dark of Morilot'. During their quest for the Holy Balrog!  
  
Due to Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM and Frodo having such short legs, they can't climb the stairs (make by dwarves with bobbit size legs, for dwarves with bobbit sized legs. See? This is definitely an unintelligent species!) so everyone takes turn carrying them, even Gimme, who's legs are the same size as the Bobbit's (weird how things work out huh!) so they all die of exhaustion ecxept the Bobbit's who run off with Gandalf's staff, trip (because it's so long) and break it, so they all put together their life's savings and buy a new one from Sauron's Convinience Store, and give the remains of the old staff to the mutated octopus as a sorry gift for throwing rocks out and the mutated octopus (pause for breath) zaps the rest of the fellowboat back to life, so it all works out in the long run!  
  
The fellowboat is completely unaware of their little rondevouz with the grim reaper, so no one is the wiser about the broken staff, although Gandalf couldn't quite seem to figure out why his staff didn't light up anymore, but he ran back and bought some AA batteries (again at Sauron's Convenience store. Wow that store is convenient!!!!) and everything was better. They ran into a delema when Gandalf's slippers couldn't decide which way to go, so the Fellowboat stayed there until the slippers remembered. Next, Dopey and Happy decide to play hide-and-go-seek in that giant room with all of the pillars. It takes almost a day to find them, and Gandalf grounds them from pipe weed for a week as punishment. Boromir is a giant problem for the Fellowboat. You see, remember how we were explaining to you about the mountain being bad because it was encouraging Boromir to jump off? Well, this place was even worse. Even Galadriel got fed up and put him in a potato sack for gandalf to levitate infront of him and then left for Lothlorien. (Because her part of the story is coming soon (to a theatre near you). There was also the incident in which Frodo found out that they were being followed by Curious George and got really scared and fell off a cliff. Frodo fell a good distance before he fell ontop of the sleeping Balrog and was burned to a cinder. (Gandalf had so much trouble reviving him that time that he killed Frodo as soon as he was better and brought him back with some regret. As an example to the others. You see the Fellowboat was lucky, they could walk around dying. Well they could! If Gandalf was in a good mood and wanted to bring them back.. (Frodo was unlucky. Even if he dies on the quest Gandalf will bring him back to life so he has to finish the quest to mail the ring and go into Lessdoor all by himself and....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! Poor Frodo never gets to die, well, as author of this story I think I can change that, a bit, a lot, HAHA! KILL FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ah! Sorry. Schizophrenic personality you know. Like Curious George and Gollum.  
  
At last the day arrived when the fellowship neared the end of their quest. They entered through a big wood door, into a big stone room, with a big stone tomb, with a big fossilized dwarf in it, and well, you get the point. Gimme started to cry and kneeled at the edge of Ballin'-my-eyes-out's tomb. Dopey sat down on the edge of a well and started a staring contest with a cobwebby corps. The corps lost. Gandalf kicke the head off one of the dead things and yanked a book (and the hands) off another. 'Stupid dwarves!' he mumbled 'They should learn better housekeeping.' Gandalf opened the book and started to read aloud.  
  
'Once upon a time in the steamy jungle, there lived a little Python named Monty. He earned his living by working in a flying circus.......'  
  
'Wrong book!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed and chucked it at Dopey's head, knocking him into the well  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!  
  
'Flying circus!!!' Gandalf thought 'What a stupid concept.' Again Gandalf ripped a book (and the hands) off a dead dwarf and again began to read aloud.  
  
'They have sealed off the outer gate and bridge. Banjos! Banjos in the deep. We cannot get out!! We cannot get out!! They are coming.............'  
  
'Well that's just peachy!' said Gandalf chucking the book at Boromir's face who made no attempt to move out of the way. It might have killed him too if IAMSAM hadn't pulled out a baseball bat and hit it back into Gandalf's stomach. Gandalf kicked it back at IAMSAM and knocked him unconcious. Happy smiled as if to say 'What about Dopey?'  
  
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!)  
  
'I've got it. I've got it' snarled Gandalf. 'Man!' he thought 'Can't these guys do anything for themselves?' Gandalf levitated Dopey back up and sat him down on the edge. 'Fool of a Took!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf screamed into his ear. 'Throw someone else in next time to rid us of their stupidity!!' 'Boromir raised his hand 'OOOOOO!!!! OOOOOOOO! Pick me!! Pick me Dopey!' Dopey ran into a corner to cry and Gimme joined him. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Boromir figured that since he was being ignored he would do it himself. He lunged for the well's mouth and jerked back as legolas grabbed his feet. 'Not yet you fool!' Legolas explained. Boromir kept struggling and managed to knock the staring contest loser into the well.  
  
BAAAAAAAAANG CLAAAAAAANG CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH (AHHHHHHHHHH)  
  
Twang!  
  
Everyone stared at Gandalf.  
  
Twang. TWAAAnng!  
  
"ORCS!!!!!!!! Fool of a Boromir! Why don't you throw yourself in next time to rid us of your stupidity????!!!?!?!?!?!?' 'That's what I was trying to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Wailed Boromir 'But he stopped me!!!!!!!!!!!!' Boromir pointed an accusing finger at legolas. 'Yah!' Legolas retorted! 'You have to die later in the movie!!!!!!! How many times do we have to tell you that?' 'At least once more stupid elf!' Boromir screamed as he scrambled towards the well mouth. 'YOU HAVE TO DIE LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Legolas bellowed and kicked Boromir in the face. 'NO!' screamed Boromir 'YES!' screamed Legolas NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! Gandalf got so annoyed that he stuck fireworks down Boromir's pants and left him to run around screaming and trying to beat out the flames.  
  
TWAAAANG TWANG!  
  
Legolas stuck his head out the door and barely missed becoming attached to it as two arrows zipped by his face and embedded themselves into the wood of the door. He jerked back inside and barred the door with dead guys' axes and yelled 'They have a cave mole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' *Gasp!!!!!!!!!!* 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!' Yelled Gandalf 'This is going to be a tough fight! Gimme! You crybaby get out of the corner! Dopey! You to! Draw your weapons everyone! Boromir! Not that kind of draw! Get rid of that paper and pen! Grab your sword. Happy! Get that stupid grin off your face this is a fight to the death!!!!!!! Happy grinned as if to say 'Yes sir! Right away sir!' Grandalf held back the urge to skewer Happy with the thought that he would need everyone (however incapable to hold a sword) in this fight 'I'm surrounded by idiots!' he mumbled 'You there Frodo! Wake up HEISSAM!! Frodo walked over to IAMSAM and shook him. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo kicked IAMSAM. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo was suddenly subject to an epiphany he grabbed a bar of chocolate and shoved it all into IAMSAM's mouth. IAMSAM flew up into a sitting position and bashed his head against Frodo's face. They were both out like lights. IAMSAM with a bleeding skul and Frodo with a face a lovely hue of purple, and a nose the size of an apple. Gandalf zapped them both back to conciousness, and the banjos got louder.  
  
TTTTTWWWWWAANNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
'IAMSAM!!!' Gandalf moaned 'Draw- I mean pull out your sword!' 'Beggin' your pardon Gandalf sir' IAMSAM began 'but I ain't got no such sword thingy, with me. Dangerous lot they are!' 'Well then improvise!' Gandalf screeched 'Why be be needen one of them swords anyways master frodo?' Asked IAMSAM. Suddenly the door burst open and a flood of orcs rushed into the room. 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!' screamed IAMSAM pulling a pair of collapsible frying pans from his back pocket.  
  
And the battle began. 100 against 5 ½!!!!!!!!!!! (Gandalf=1, Boromir=1, Legolas=1, Happy+Dopey=1, Frodo+IAMSAM=1, Gimme= ½ ) Then the cave mole sloped into the room. A hideous 5 ton creature covered in chartreuse coloured fur, with a snout a metre long ending in a blue light bulb the size of a watermelon. It lumbered along on sixteen and a half feet, and had a tail in the shape of Tschaikowski's head. THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It started to play peek-a-boo with Frodo and then stabbed him with a carrot! But it died of old age right before it could consume the fellow boat. The orcs kept coming, yet due to some celestial notion all of them survived and they killed all of the orcs.  
  
Legolas rushed over to Frodo and was amazed to see him sit up. 'You should be dead!' Legolas exclaimed 'That carrot would have killed a wild rhino!' (Why he used a rhino I don't know) 'Ooooooooooowwwww...' moaned Frodo 'My spleen hurts! And I don't even know what that is!'  
  
Frodo yanked open his shirt and everyone stared in wonder at a tin foil mail coat (That Frodo had received in a cereal box.) 'Tinril!' exclaimed Gandalf! 'That shirt is enough to buy the entire shower!' 'I got it in a cereal box' confessed Frodo. 'It was called Millionaire Munchies, but I couldn't figure out why. It didn't cost a million dollars, and it definetley didn't taste like a million dollars, so I guess they were referring to the cereal box prize!' 'Tinril!' Muttered Gimme in awe. 'Gimme!' 'Noo!'Frodo yelled as Gimme began to try and rip his tinril coat off. 'Down Gimme! Bad Boy! Gimme! Stop! Down! Heel!' Frodo punched Gimme in the face and he went to go cry in a corner again.  
  
Twwwwwaaaaaaaaaang!!  
  
'More orcs!' exclaimed Frodo 'There are more???????????????' 'Oh! I forgot to mention.' Admitted Gandalf. 'This place is crawling with 'em me'boy!' 'I don't think that my pans can last through another round! Gandalf Sir!' explained IAMSAM 'Good.' Muttered Gandalf. 'Beggn' your pardon sir?' IAMSAM said 'I said 'Neither can my sword so let's run away!' 'Like cowards?' Exclaimed Legolas? 'Well you know what they say-' began Dopey but Gandalf interrupted him 'The moronic elf who runs away lives to be a moronic elf another day. Now MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed kicking Legolas in the butt to make him run. 'This won't look good on my resume!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Muttered Legolas as he ran for his dear life. Suddenly orcs popped out of nowhere and surrounded the fellowboat. What could they do? 1,000,000 to 5 ½? Nooooo! Hang in there Frodo!!!!!  
  
Booooooooooommmm!  
  
All of a sudden the orcs all died of fright. (I need to congratulate whoever makes their pacemakers!)  
  
An eerie glow appeared in the hallway.  
  
'Gentlemen, our quest is at an end.' Proclaimed Gandalf 'We have found the Holy Balrog!!!!!  
  
Duh duh duh...... 


	7. So They've Found the Holy Balrog Now Wha...

Chapter Seven: So They've Found the Holy Balrog, Now What?  
  
The eerie glow advanced and the Fellowboat ran and the eerie glow advanced and the Fellowboat ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and the Balrog walked and walked and kept up fine. He was very angry from being woken up so early (when Dopey fell on his face) and now he was out to incinerate the fellowboat! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone hide!  
  
There's not much to say in this point of time except they've found the Holy Balrog (and now what) The Holy Balrog is looking for them (uh-oh) and you're all sitting here reading this and wondering what I do with my life.  
  
Gandalf wheeled around and everyone ran into him so he got really mad and left, so we had to coax him with a gift certificate to Sauron's Convenience Store before he decided to come back. Gandalf announced that you can't fight the Holy Balrog with swords, in fact, you can't fight it at all! So don't ask me why they were looking for it in the first place. But if you can't ight it with swords... why is Gandalf able to? You know when he's falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling......... (those dwarves must of delved REAL deep! You know it only takes like 3 minutes to fall off Mount Everest, so... why is Gandalf falling for practically 24 hours? He should of fallen throu8gh the earth, pooped out on the other side, only to be caught up in that gravitational force and fall back again, and again, and again. So, he's literally stuck. Boromir tries to 'fly' off the edge but Legolas grabs his pants and hauls him back, kicks him in the face and Happy smiles as if to say 'ouch!'. Then Gandalf stands on a bridge, spins around and faces the HOLY BALROG!!!!! AAAAHHHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!! This thing is 50 feet tall, wreathed in shadow and flame. It has two beastly wings and a serpentine tail. It reaches into it's coat pocket and pulls out- AHHHH I CAN'T WATCH!!!!! *Peek* AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! God no! He's pulled out the BANJO OF DEATH(duh duh duh)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And a sword and a whip but that's nothing compared to THE BANJO OF DEATH(duh duh duh)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Gandalf quickly zaps the BANJO OF DEATH (duh duh duh)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with a lightning bolt, and the Holy Balrog screams in anger as it tosses the ashes of it's favourite instrument into the air. It would have started to cry, except for the fact that it would put itself out, and that would be REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALY stupid. But the fellowboat gives the Holy Balrog the benefit of the doubt, and watch for tears. Nope. No tears. We're good. Gandalf runs to the middle of the bridge and chisels a hole in the middle. Then he prods the balrog into the hole and he starts falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, (Doesn't this thing have wings???????????? Like WINGS? Like FLY? UP? Back to the Bridge? Oh well! He's just another stupid 'being of Sauron' with a brain the size of a... better yet a non-existant brain.) falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, FOREVER falling into the deep chasms of Morilot. Gandalf smiles at his victory and turns to face the fellowboat for applause. The orcs start to cheer and throw flowers (and spears), killing Gimme.  
  
Suddenly, a fiery whip grabs Gandalf's ankle and pulls him over the edge. LESSON 1 !!!!! You old dolt (ahem)  
  
NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THE ENEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I hope you all remember that for all the times in your life when you have to push fire demons over the edge of cliffs.  
  
'Fly you fools!!!!' yelled Gandalf as he plummeted into Shadow. 'Seeee?' Complained Boromir. 'Wouldn't it have been easier if you had let me fly off that cliff?' 'Shut up Boromir!' cried all the bobbits as they lifted boromir on top of themselves and carried him much the same way that an ant carries a particularly juicy grape away from a picnic. (I forgot to mention that bobbits are descendents from cannibal pigmies .) They all ran out of Morilot.  
  
Ok! Now I really don't want to know where this is going! 


	8. The Precioussss’ssssssss Family Restaura...

Hee hee. What was that? You want to know what happens to the fellowboat? You want to know what happens in the death defying, gravity defying, pretty- much-everything defying EIGHTH CHAPTER!?!?!? (Duh duh duh)..................ok. Let's see...  
  
'Fly you fools!!!!' yelled Gandalf as he plummeted into Shadow. 'Seeee?' Complained Boromir. 'Wouldn't it have been easier if you had let me fly off that cliff?' 'Shut up Boromir!' cried all the bobbits as they lifted Boromir on top of themselves and carried him much the same way that an ant carries a particularly juicy grape away from a picnic. (I forgot to mention that bobbits are descendents from cannibal pigmies.) They all ran out of Morilot.  
  
Great we have a starting point! (Celebrate!)  
  
Frodo, his faced streaked in mud and I don't want to know what else, glanced up at the faces of his teary-eyed comrades. 'Why in all of Inthemiddle Earth are you crying?' He asked kicking Legolas in the shins. Legolas glared down at the bobbit. 'You stupid stonehearted creature! Can't you tell we are crying because... we're crying because... Heck! Why are we crying?' He glanced at Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM, Boromir and Gimme hoping for a little help. 'Boromir! Why are we crying?' Boromir shrugged, and decided that he wanted to go live with the orcs. He was almost in the door before Dopey was able to shoot him with a tranquilizer rifle. He looked sheepishly at the rest of the Fellowboat. 'Where'd you get that?' asked Frodo. 'Sauron's convenience Store!' was the much-expected reply. 'I call it 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1)'' 'OOOOOOOOOOO!' Gimme's eyes went wide. 'GIMME!' He screeched grabbing at the rifle. 'Get that thing away from me!' Dopey yelped and tossed 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1) to Legolas! 'Giiiiimmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!' screamed the rabid dwarf foaming at the mouth. 'MINE!' At this 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls swooped down and landed on the ground. Time stopped. IAMSAM, (having been known to do this) began to twitch uncontrollably. One seagull turned it's head to look at the bobbit. 'Mine.' It stated matter-of-factly. Another one noticed this too and repeated. 'Mine!' With out warning a cacophony of 'Mine's broke out around the Fellowboat. A tidal wave of seagulls began to approach IAMSAM. Murder in their eyes. IAMSAM let out an earsplitting squeak and began to run through the maze of racks. Yes racks. Not rocks. Because without warning the entire fellowboat (and the 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls) were teleported into Saruman's dressing room. Their collective screams (and mines) at having to see a... a... a really old guy's wardrobe, were quite loud. So loud in fact that they attracted the attention of 5000000000000000 (and 1) dodo birds. They appeared and the fellowboat was once more teleported. This time to, oh...let's make it fun. Farmer Pupa's watermelon field. Unfortunately the melons had already been harvested. However. One solitary edible pulpy mass (that's the computer thesaurus's 'other word' for melon. Edible pulpy mass. Melon. Do you see the connection?) Ah well. The seagulls saw the melon and completely forgot about eating IAMSAM (much to the dismay of the fellowboat.) And the dodo's saw the melon. 'Mine?' questioned a seagull. 'The last melon!' chanted the cult of dodos. Yikes!..... doesn't that give you the shivers? A cult of feather balls. What is the world coming to???? 'Mine!' The seagulls chanted. (Although had they been capable of saying anything else they probably would have said ours... no wait... I take that back.) 'The last melon!' The dodos repeated. 'Mine' 'The last melon!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' Happy intervened. He grinned. (Why don't you just share it?) A collected gasp ran through the ranks of dodos. 'No way! Sub-arctic temperatures will force us underground for a million billion years.' A seagull spoke up. 'Mine!' (But I'm hungry!) The dodos once again turned on the seagulls. 'Well if you weren't smart enough to plan ahead then doom on you!' The dodos took up the chant. Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! In the excitement the fellowboat was forgotten and Gimme ran and grabbed the melon. 'Gimme!' He grinned. 'Melon!' The dodos and the seagulls tuned on the poor vertically challenged being. 'The melon! T-T-Ti Quan Dodos! ATTACK!' And due to the stupidity of a certain (cough) creature the fellowboat had to run (well, the sedated Boromir was dragged) through Farmer Pupa's crop while being pursued by blood thirsty... actually melon juice-thirsty... birds. All hope seemed lost when, with a bang, the fellowboat arrived back in front of the back doors of Morilot, and the (umm lets see....5000000000000000(and 1) 5000000000000000 (and 1)) 10000000000000000000000000000000 (and 2) birds weren't.  
  
'That was eventful!' grumbled Legolas pulling feathers from his hair. Gimme gulped the melon down and spit the seeds out at Boromir, who woke up rubbing his head. 'What happened? Did I die!!!' He asked excitedly. 'No.' Dopey replied bashing him over the head with the rifle. He was knocked unconscious. Again. 'How do you think we did that?' asked Frodo bewildered. All of a sudden, a man stepped out from behind a rock. 'I did it.' He said. 'How?' inquired the Fellowboat. 'Well the world as you know it isn't really the world as you know it. You see the world as you know it is actually an illusion created in the world as you know it that isn't. You follow?' He received blank stares. 'The Matrix! Man! You people are stupid. You are actually think this world is the world as you know it! But it's not the world as I know it!... well I quess the world as YOU know it and the world as I know it will be different worlds we know intirely. Your world is the world as I know it to be fake and My world is the World of you Shake and Bake. No wait that isn't right.' A lengthy pause followed where the man tried to figure out the difference between the worlds as they knew them and ect.........Gollum appeared wearing an apron and a hair net, holding in what little hair he had left. His name tag said 'Sue'  
  
'Come precioussssss! Come all! Come to the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant!' He lead them all to a comfy looking building. Full of tables and chairs. He ran out of the room. The Fellowboat got seated, and the anonymous man did too. When Gollum came back he was holding a pad of paper with a pretty flaming eye design around the border and a fiery design pencil with a big red eye eraser. (Sauron's Convenience Store!!) This time his name tag read 'Greg' 'my I take your ordersss Precioussssessss?' IAMSAM piped up. 'May I have some green eggs and ham please?' he asked anxiously. Gollum I mean Greg nodded and began to write on his paper. His eyes scrunched and his tongue held tight between his teeth. He was obviously concentrating very hard on his spelling. Now Frodo who was sitting near Gollum I mean Greg saw what he was writing and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Umm Greg...' 'Yess Precioussss?" 'You spelt it wrong.' 'What Precioussss?' 'Green eggs and ham. You spelt it F-I-S-H. It's really spelt-' 'We know whatssss we spelled preciouss! We spelt it right precioussss!' Frodo shrugged and the reast of the Fellowboat ordered. By the end of the ordering Gollum's (Greg's) list read like this.  
  
FISH  
ROTTEN FISH  
UGLY FISH  
WRIGGLY FISH  
FISH  
FISH  
PRECIOUSSSS  
EVIL  
PECIOUSSSSS  
LA LA LA  
  
They all waited twenty minutes and Gollum came out of the back (his name tag now reading Ricky) wheeling a trolley laden with covered platters. IAMSAM began to salivate. And for you Preciouss said gollum putting the plate down infront of Sam,...with a flourish he lifted off the lid to reveal....... A fish. IAMSAM's frown dropped so low that his lips touched the floor. The rest of the meals were served (Don't ask me how you get a LA LA LA on a plate... but I think it has something to do with pancakes...) and after they'd fiished, they tied the anonymous man to the chair and ran out of the restaurant. Five minutes later he came out again stuffing a fluffy pink wallet back into his black leather overcoat and shot a rather nasty look at Frodo. I don't know why it was at Frodo in particular, but he gets blamed for eveything anyway, so it doesn't really matter. "I suppose you thought that was funny!" He snarled. "Actually," chortled Legolas "I do." "Me two!" giggled Dopey. Happy Grinned as if to say "Me three." The rest of the Fellowboat piped in and added their agreement. "RETORICAL QUESTION!" Roared the anonymous man and Pulled out his cellphone. "Get me outta here." He moaned. But Splorfius, what about 'The One?' 'What one?" THE one! The reason we sent you into the Matrix in the first place. 'Oh. That one. I thought you ment the other one.' No Splorfius. I ment that one 'You sure? Cause the other one at that one place the other day looked pretty one-ish to me. I One-der which One it really is?" BRING BACK THE FREAKIN' ONE! SPLORFIUS!!!! and with that the line clicked and went dead. Splorfius turned back to face the fellowboat. 'Ok everybody. Listen up.' What he saw of course was happy chasing Dopey up the side of the mountain, Legolas sitting at his Porta-Vani (A portable vanity table) and painting his fingernails. Boromir was trying to spear himself with some utensils he'd 'borrowed without permission' from the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, Gimme was gnawing on IAMSAM's leg and Frodo was off saving the day with Filing Cabinet Girl and her trusty sidekick Doutang Dude. The evil incarnate, demon spawn, egotistical, bloodthirsty, no good and all around nasty Paperclip People were trying to zap the earth with their 2-D (fruity) laser beam that would inevitably create mass destruction and panic. Throwing the world into a cannibalistic era of two-dimensionalism. Licky for us, our heros were victorious in their fight against evil and the Paperclip People were sentenced to life in exile on the planet sUx2BU. Meanwhile on the 3-D earth, Splorphius was now experiencing fits of rage (and would later in life develop a severe twitch because of it) because no one was paying any attention to him. 'Fine!' He shouted, spit flying from his mouth. 'You'll regret the day you ever crossed paths with SPLORFIUS the SUPERFLUOUS. Having said this he stormed into the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, grabbed Gollum by the hand and dragged him away into the sunset.  
  
'Where are we going to go now?' Fodo wondered aloud. 'I want to go to Over- Space.' giggled Legolas in his painfully feminine way. 'Yes! Let's!' agreed Dopey. So the fellowboat, while being chased by a mad mob of orcs, who were completely non-union, and were maiming without licenses, made their way to 'Over-Space.' 


End file.
